we are lauren and chase. lauren contributes to weekend update on SNL, & chase writes for nikki & sara live!. this is our retirement home for not ready for prime time jokes.
OOH LOOK WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES JUST FOR YOU! THAT’S RIGHT NOT FOR THE LOUIS CK EPISODE ON MARCH 29TH! JUST FOR YOU! AWWW.
A new campaign has been launched in Ukraine to stop the annexation of Crimea, in which women are being urged to abstain from sex with Russian men. This campaign is especially ambitious, given the fact that lately Russians just kind of take what they want.
Thousands of Pepsi Max cans in Sweden were recalled this week after it was discovered that workers accidentally filled the cans with a fruity alcoholic beverage. The mistake was discovered when a quality control specialist warned, “Something’s wrong, this one actually tastes good.”
An 18 year-old man posted a photo on Reddit this week of his three testicles in celebration of his birthday. Kudos to you, young man. That took a lot of balls.
A new smartphone app has been developed to help people stay sober by sounding an alarm when the user gets near a bar. This new tool will be helpful since before the app, the only warning sounds were of people still having fun.
A chemistry grad student in Nebraska is creating a new perfume called “Eau De Death,” which mimics the smell of decaying flesh so people could avoid being eaten by zombies. Nebraska: We Hide it in the Middle of America for a Reason!
A NEW BATCH OF NOT YET READY FOR PRIMETIME WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES FOR THE JIM PARSONS 3.1.14 EPISODE, ENJOY! OR DON’T. I’M NOT YOUR BOSS.
A new study shows that married men have lower blood pressure than single men, because their wives made them.
Spike Lee this week harshly criticized the gentrification of his Brooklyn neighborhood saying that so many white people walking dogs in the morning makes it look like the Westminster dog show. Which is the last thing you want to tell people your neighborhood looks like if you want less white people to live there.
A new report reveals that a 29 year old woman suffered from a five day long erection of the clitoris after taking anti-depressants. In related news, they worked.
Lawmakers have proposed a bill that would make baseball’s Opening Day a federal holiday, as relaxing and not doing any work symbolizes what most baseball players do all game.
An Ohio bus driver was saved after robbers shot him in the chest but the bullets lodged in a Bible he had in his pocket. But when there was only one pair of bullet holes, it was then that I carried you.
An American Apparel store in New York this week unveiled an update to their storefront mannequins, who now all feature a full head of pubic hair. This has delighted many onlookers, marking the first time New York hipsters have approved of anything Bush-related in nearly two decades.
The Colorado Springs Airport has set up an “amnesty box” to allow passengers to get rid of their marijuana before going through airport security. The only things dropped in the box more often than marijuana are applications to work at the Colorado Springs Airport.
New research shows that the cost of having a baby can range from 3000 to 37,000 dollars, depending on how elaborate the mother’s hospital requests are. Fancy delivery room, $37,000. Knowing that just like the mothers who only paid $3000 they’ll still shit themselves, priceless.
At the Golden Globes this week the movie “12 Years a Slave” won for Best Drama and “American Hustle” won for Best Comedy, while Jacqueline Bisset won for best televised relapse.
The Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain was sold this week for nearly 1 billion dollars. Or in Chuck E. Cheese terms, 10 skeeball tickets and one EZ bake oven.
FRESH OFF THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: ANOTHER MONDAY EDITION OF ALMOST READY FOR PRIMETIME WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES
A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. 18 year olds across the city exclaimed, “Oh my God! What’s a library?”
Chicago police are searching for a woman who was seen on camera riding a train with a 2-foot long alligator. They’re desperately seeking any information on how the alligator actually got its Ventra card to work.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on Wednesday admitted to the City Council that he had bought illegal drugs, but refused to step down from office. Americans were shocked at the news that Canada has politicians that actually want to work.
A group of valets in Miami, who claimed that they had not been paid, dumped all the keys for their lot in a giant pile for the drivers to sort out on their own. Not before recouping the wages they’d lost though, by selling the cocaine they scraped off each key.
A Massachusetts woman, who was arrested for violating a restraining order filed by the Hanson Brothers, said she did not know the court order prevented her from seeing them in concert. Security spotted her right away when she was the only one in the crowd.
WELCOME BACK WU fans, and welcome our new co-host, Cecily Strong, who immediately knocked it out of the park, as was to be expected. Here are your not quite ready for prime time weekend update jokes. Enjoy! or don’t! it’s your America.
Fawzia Koofi, who has been called Afghanistan’s Hillary Clinton, took the first steps this week toward running for President of Afghanistan, after asking permission from her husband first.
A new report shows that Louisiana is the worst state in the country for women to live and work, but Florida is the worst state.
Cory Booker, the mayor of Newark, New Jersey received attention this week for a series of flirty emails with a woman in Oregon who works at a vegan strip club. At a vegan strip club when you throw money at the dancers, they just finally stop telling you all the reasons they became vegan.
Lindsay Lohan’s estranged half-sister revealed this week that she underwent 25,000 dollars worth of plastic surgery to look more like Lohan in her “good days,” which is the first time anyone’s ever gotten surgery to look 8.
A high ranking Iranian official is now saying that CNN fabricated portions of an interview in which new Iranian President Hassan Rouhani acknowledged the Holocaust happened. The Iranian official said, “Please, this was fabricated, it never happened. You know, just like the Holocaust.”
No new SNL this week? We know, total bummer. Instead of crying about it like a little baby, why not check out these not quite ready for prime time jokes instead? There, that’s better.
The United States Postal Service this week said that it would delay its plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. This moves comes as no surprise because if there’s one thing the United States Postal Office is an expert at, it’s delaying things.
New York City is developing a new app that will allow drivers to learn where there are open parking spaces. Unfortunately, most of those parking spaces will be in New Jersey.
Anthony Weiner, the former New York Congressman who left office after posting a lewd picture of himself on Twitter, is reportedly considering a run for mayor of New York City. A poll shows New Yorkers would consider forgiving him, only if the campaign car he uses is the official Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.
Thursday marked the one year anniversary of Kim Jong Un being appointed leader of North Korea. To celebrate, he lit one honorary candle, and then aimed it at South Korea.
Target has been forced to rename one of its sandals after it was discovered that its name “Orina,” means “urine” in Spanish. The head of the company said they were sorry to lose the name, but it really, really had to go.
Octomom caused controversy this week by admitting that she uses marijuana in front of her 14 children. But to be fair, that’s still only her 15th worst parenting decision.
We’re so behind on posts! It’s because we’ve been laughing too hard at all the jokes that actually made it onto Weekend Update. Here are some that almost made it, but decided to live with us here instead. Aww, we’re so lucky.
NBA commissioner David Stern said this week that he expects to start HGH testing on basketball players as soon as next season. Although bad news for some, this could be the first test that many basketball players have ever passed in their lives.
Home Depot is making its yearly hiring push, aiming to fill more than 80,000 jobs for its busiest season. The good news for Home Depot is that to find that many workers, they’ll only have to go as far as 1 of their parking lots.
The Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted after half of the New Orleans Superdome lost power for more than 30 minutes, the unfortunate half that lost power being the San Francisco 49ers.
A new app has been launched that will allow people in New York City to discover which celebrities live within a one-mile radius of them. This app will also allow socialites who had considered themselves celebrities to discover that no one actually knows or cares who they are.
Fox has announced plans for a new version of the Swan, their plastic surgery makeover reality series, which will this time feature celebrities. They’ll go under the knife to see if doctors can recreate what the celebrities used to look like before they had so much plastic surgery.
Researchers have discovered that married couples who spend just seven minutes every few months writing short essays about a recent fight with their spouse were less unhappy a year later than couples that did not do the exercise. Because every month they got at least 7 minutes ALONE.
chase now writes for the wonderful & talented girls at nikki & sara live! so his not ready for prime time jokes will be those that were intended for that show on mtv.
jokes like these!
E! has announced a new reality show called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I can tell you what he won’t be doing: reading.
Victoria Beckham announced this week that she would not be part of a Spice Girls reunion tour. The group will continue on with her replacement, a makeup-stained tree branch.
Four Academy Award nominations went to the film Beasts of the Southern Wild. Or as it was known under its original title, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Honey Boo Boo’s “Uncle Poodle” has revealed that he’s HIV positive. Ironically, he’s still the healthiest person in the family.
Prince Harry now says he regrets the nude photos of himself that were taken in Las Vegas last August. In a related story, Prince Charles now says he regrets Prince Harry.
Lindsay Lohan just turned down a multimillion-dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. In all fairness, she’s never been popular with judges.
Joey Fatone says he wants to get NSYNC back together. In a related story, Justin Timberlake says he wants Joey Fatone to stop calling his house at 3 a.m. and whispering “I need this.”
David Arquette was photographed at a club giving Adam Lambert a lap dance. It’s nice to see he’s moved on from Courtney Cox to just plain cocks.
In a recent interview, rapper Vanilla Ice had three career tips for Justin Bieber. We only have one: Don’t listen to career tips from Vanilla Ice.
Lindsay Lohan says she and Max George from The Wanted are “friends with benefits.” The main benefit? Clean urine.
Adult film star Ron Jeremy is in the hospital following a heart aneurysm. Doctors say it will be a long, hard, throbbing road to recovery.
Harry Styles spent his 19th birthday getting a lap dance from a stripper. Meanwhile, One Direction fans spent Harry Styles’s birthday murdering a stripper.
Steven Tyler appeared on last week’s American Idol in drag. He was there to perform his new song, “Dude Looks Nothing Remotely Like a Lady.”
Katie Holmes is still single but says she, quote, “eventually wants to find a man.” “So do I,” sighed Tom Cruise.
Kim Kardashian has announced her sixth new fragrance. Unfortunately, Khloe Kardashian still smells exactly the same.
it’s time for another edition of WEAKEND UPDATE! jokes that were obviously too funny too funny for SNL to air. enjoy, but not too much, dying of laughter can kill you.
Vice President Joe Biden on Thursday hosted a “fireside hangout” about gun violence on Google Plus. Which ironically most people will only log onto at gunpoint.
Two New Jersey men this week filed a lawsuit against Subway for selling Footlong sandwiches that were less than 12 inches long. Subway is expected to call as character witnesses, every woman they’ve ever slept with.
Insiders are saying that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of more than 500,000 dollars to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars citing the fact that she doesn’t really know how to be a star.
A new report shows that Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua also sent Twitter messages to celebrities such as Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, who most likely wasn’t fooled because he deals with fake women every day of his life.
A restaurant in Philadelphia has created a new taco that replaces the shell with slices of bacon. Congratulations to Mexican food, adding its only 6th ingredient in history.
A number of new pubs opening around the country are donating their profits to charity. Which is perfect, because who can get mad at their husband when he’s getting drunk for cancer.
An attempted robbery of a Papa John’s in Montana was foiled when the robber started crying and a clerk gave the man a free pizza. The robber is said to have learned the unexpected tactic from his 2 year old daughter.
A tunnel in Norway was closed this week after a truckload of cheese caught on fire. The fire marshall said although it was tragic, there was nothing they could fondue.
A new report shows that the most common name for a dog in New York City is Max, and the most common name for a cat is My Only Friend.