we are lauren and chase. lauren contributes to weekend update on SNL, & chase writes for nikki & sara live!. this is our retirement home for not ready for prime time jokes.
No new SNL this week? We know, total bummer. Instead of crying about it like a little baby, why not check out these not quite ready for prime time jokes instead? There, that’s better.
The United States Postal Service this week said that it would delay its plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. This moves comes as no surprise because if there’s one thing the United States Postal Office is an expert at, it’s delaying things.
New York City is developing a new app that will allow drivers to learn where there are open parking spaces. Unfortunately, most of those parking spaces will be in New Jersey.
Anthony Weiner, the former New York Congressman who left office after posting a lewd picture of himself on Twitter, is reportedly considering a run for mayor of New York City. A poll shows New Yorkers would consider forgiving him, only if the campaign car he uses is the official Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.
Thursday marked the one year anniversary of Kim Jong Un being appointed leader of North Korea. To celebrate, he lit one honorary candle, and then aimed it at South Korea.
Target has been forced to rename one of its sandals after it was discovered that its name “Orina,” means “urine” in Spanish. The head of the company said they were sorry to lose the name, but it really, really had to go.
Octomom caused controversy this week by admitting that she uses marijuana in front of her 14 children. But to be fair, that’s still only her 15th worst parenting decision.
We’re so behind on posts! It’s because we’ve been laughing too hard at all the jokes that actually made it onto Weekend Update. Here are some that almost made it, but decided to live with us here instead. Aww, we’re so lucky.
NBA commissioner David Stern said this week that he expects to start HGH testing on basketball players as soon as next season. Although bad news for some, this could be the first test that many basketball players have ever passed in their lives.
Home Depot is making its yearly hiring push, aiming to fill more than 80,000 jobs for its busiest season. The good news for Home Depot is that to find that many workers, they’ll only have to go as far as 1 of their parking lots.
The Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted after half of the New Orleans Superdome lost power for more than 30 minutes, the unfortunate half that lost power being the San Francisco 49ers.
A new app has been launched that will allow people in New York City to discover which celebrities live within a one-mile radius of them. This app will also allow socialites who had considered themselves celebrities to discover that no one actually knows or cares who they are.
Fox has announced plans for a new version of the Swan, their plastic surgery makeover reality series, which will this time feature celebrities. They’ll go under the knife to see if doctors can recreate what the celebrities used to look like before they had so much plastic surgery.
Researchers have discovered that married couples who spend just seven minutes every few months writing short essays about a recent fight with their spouse were less unhappy a year later than couples that did not do the exercise. Because every month they got at least 7 minutes ALONE.
chase now writes for the wonderful & talented girls at nikki & sara live! so his not ready for prime time jokes will be those that were intended for that show on mtv.
jokes like these!
E! has announced a new reality show called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I can tell you what he won’t be doing: reading.
Victoria Beckham announced this week that she would not be part of a Spice Girls reunion tour. The group will continue on with her replacement, a makeup-stained tree branch.
Four Academy Award nominations went to the film Beasts of the Southern Wild. Or as it was known under its original title, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Honey Boo Boo’s “Uncle Poodle” has revealed that he’s HIV positive. Ironically, he’s still the healthiest person in the family.
Prince Harry now says he regrets the nude photos of himself that were taken in Las Vegas last August. In a related story, Prince Charles now says he regrets Prince Harry.
Lindsay Lohan just turned down a multimillion-dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. In all fairness, she’s never been popular with judges.
Joey Fatone says he wants to get NSYNC back together. In a related story, Justin Timberlake says he wants Joey Fatone to stop calling his house at 3 a.m. and whispering “I need this.”
David Arquette was photographed at a club giving Adam Lambert a lap dance. It’s nice to see he’s moved on from Courtney Cox to just plain cocks.
In a recent interview, rapper Vanilla Ice had three career tips for Justin Bieber. We only have one: Don’t listen to career tips from Vanilla Ice.
Lindsay Lohan says she and Max George from The Wanted are “friends with benefits.” The main benefit? Clean urine.
Adult film star Ron Jeremy is in the hospital following a heart aneurysm. Doctors say it will be a long, hard, throbbing road to recovery.
Harry Styles spent his 19th birthday getting a lap dance from a stripper. Meanwhile, One Direction fans spent Harry Styles’s birthday murdering a stripper.
Steven Tyler appeared on last week’s American Idol in drag. He was there to perform his new song, “Dude Looks Nothing Remotely Like a Lady.”
Katie Holmes is still single but says she, quote, “eventually wants to find a man.” “So do I,” sighed Tom Cruise.
Kim Kardashian has announced her sixth new fragrance. Unfortunately, Khloe Kardashian still smells exactly the same.
it’s time for another edition of WEAKEND UPDATE! jokes that were obviously too funny too funny for SNL to air. enjoy, but not too much, dying of laughter can kill you.
Vice President Joe Biden on Thursday hosted a “fireside hangout” about gun violence on Google Plus. Which ironically most people will only log onto at gunpoint.
Two New Jersey men this week filed a lawsuit against Subway for selling Footlong sandwiches that were less than 12 inches long. Subway is expected to call as character witnesses, every woman they’ve ever slept with.
Insiders are saying that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of more than 500,000 dollars to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars citing the fact that she doesn’t really know how to be a star.
A new report shows that Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua also sent Twitter messages to celebrities such as Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, who most likely wasn’t fooled because he deals with fake women every day of his life.
A restaurant in Philadelphia has created a new taco that replaces the shell with slices of bacon. Congratulations to Mexican food, adding its only 6th ingredient in history.
A number of new pubs opening around the country are donating their profits to charity. Which is perfect, because who can get mad at their husband when he’s getting drunk for cancer.
An attempted robbery of a Papa John’s in Montana was foiled when the robber started crying and a clerk gave the man a free pizza. The robber is said to have learned the unexpected tactic from his 2 year old daughter.
A tunnel in Norway was closed this week after a truckload of cheese caught on fire. The fire marshall said although it was tragic, there was nothing they could fondue.
A new report shows that the most common name for a dog in New York City is Max, and the most common name for a cat is My Only Friend.
A woman in South Africa was seriously injured after a wildlife expert taking pictures of her with a rhino told the woman to stand a little bit closer to the animal. So, not really an expert then.
A new study from Germany shows that the items most likely to be accidentally swallowed by people are fish bones, chicken bones and dentures. While an American study showed it’s stories about a football player’s girlfriend dying of leukemia.
A major British supermarket chain pulled all their hamburgers from shelves this week after a DNA test discovered that it contained horse meat. Everyone who ate one of the burgers is said to be in stable condition.
Wrangler has created a new line of jeans that are infused with aloe vera and olive extract to make legs smoother. Wrangler: smooth on the inside, not so much on the outside.
North Carolina police arrested a man who stabbed a deaf man because the assailant thought the deaf man’s hand gestures were gang signs. Officers said the crime of stabbing a deaf man was truly unheard of.
President Obama said this week that congressional Republicans have repeatedly rejected invitations from him to socialize, saying “Come on you guys. I’m not THAT black.”
A new app has been launched called ChoreMonster, which turns children’s tasks around the house into a game in which they are rewarded points. Finally, a way to make sweatshops fun!
Shoppers at an IKEA in Canada were surprised when a small monkey was found wandering the store wearing a fitted faux shearling coat and diapers. No one could believe it, because who would think anything put together that well would be found at an IKEA.
President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner met Sunday at the White House to discus ways to avoid the fiscal cliff. They’re expected not to go over the cliff, as long as they don’t use Apple Maps.
Florida Governor Rick Scott is proposing a new higher education plan in the state that would give students a break on tuition if they major in certain majors such as engineering, health care and technology. Good plan, because there’s just too many philosophers coming out of Florida.
Lawyers for the Florida man arrested for having sex with a donkey are now trying to have the state law banning sex with animals declared unconstitutional. Because you can’t blame a guy for being an ass man.
An Ohio woman who gave birth to her daughter at 12:12PM on 12-12-12 has named her “Forever.” which is exactly how long her daughter will hate her.
Officials at the University of West Virginia are upset with the student who plays the school’s mascot after he used the character’s musket to shoot a black bear during a hunt. Come on west Virginia, Why’s it always have to be a black bear.
An Oklahoma man who was arrested for leaving his two young children locked in his car while he was drinking at a bar denied the charges saying that someone else must have put them there while he was drinking because he would never remember to lock his doors.
West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is calling for MTV to cancel their upcoming show “Buckwild,” which is a Jersey Shore-style show set in West Virginia, saying that he thinks it gives the state a bad name. No word if he is also calling for the cancelation of incest and moonshine.
A New York State man, who was arrested for shoplifting, said he did it on purpose so he could get free health care in prison. Why didn’t you just tell us that’s what you needed, Lindsay Lohan?
An ice sculptor in Florida has created a 5-foot-tall ice menorah for Hanukkah. The sculpture has lasted eight days longer than anyone’s interest in Hanukkah.
A supermarket worker in New Mexico was surprised when he opened a case of frozen ribs and discovered a handgun and ammunition packed inside. Even more surprising was the note that said “Avenge me.”
Customers were shocked Sunday when an escaped pet monkey was captured and removed from a Toronto IKEA. “Take me with you,” said everyone else in IKEA.
A waiter at a California restaurant was fired after he labeled three women he was serving on the bill as “fat girls.” To be fair, California’s definition of “fat girl” is “anyone in a restaurant.”
Florida Governor Rick Scott is proposing a new higher education plan in the state that would give students tuition discounts for choosing majors such as engineering, healthcare and technology. Scott hopes this will lure students away from Florida’s current most popular major, being arrested without a shirt on.
A U.K. man collapsed and died this week while attempting the “Gangnam Style” dance at an office Christmas party. The other guests described the tragedy as “worth it.”
New research suggests that children between the ages of 9 and 15 who binge eat are twice as likely to use marijuana. The study was conducted by the “I Think We’re Getting This Backwards” Institute.
Speaker of the House John Boehner on Wednesday told House Republicans that, due to the lack of progress in the fiscal cliff talks, they should not make plans to go home for the holidays. So it looks like Boehner won’t be returning to his house on the surface of the sun.
New York University is now offering a class on the work of Bob Marley. It’s the first college course that gives students extra credit for forgetting to attend.
A new study shows that nearly 40 percent of the fish sold in New York City is mislabeled. As “fish.”
A New York City man, dubbed the Human Ken Doll, has had over 90 operations to create what he considers to be the perfect body. Though he’s not *really* a Ken doll until he has his final surgery.
A hot new trend on YouTube is “Milking,” in which people record themselves pouring a gallon of milk over their heads. The videos are pretty popular among people, and disturbingly popular among cows.
Sotheby’s later this month will auction off a collection of love letters Peanuts creator Charles Schultz wrote to a woman he was having an affair with in the 1970s. The letters are pretty intimate, though most of the more adult portions just say “trombone sound, trombone sound, trombone sound.”
Pizza Hut is now offering a pizza-scented perfume. For when looking fat is not enough.
On Thursday Washington State’s new laws legalizing marijuana and gay marriage both went into effect, resulting in some beautiful weddings and some long, confusing best man speeches.
Pope Benedict this week launched a new personal Twitter account that already has more than half a million followers. Meanwhile, Jesus is still stuck at 12.
An aquarium in Utah is saving on its electricity bill by using an electric eel to provide power for their Christmas tree. Another brilliant innovation from aquarium owner Fred Flintstone.
Pizza Hut is now offering a pizza-scented perfume. Another great way to smell like pizza? Eating pizza.
Nebraska police arrested a woman after she posted a video on YouTube in which she bragged about robbing a bank and stealing a car. She’s been sentenced to three years of reading the comments under her YouTube video.
The world’s oldest woman passed away Tuesday at the age of 116. She is survived by four children, 11 grandchildren, and 7,000 chain emails about Barack Obama.
Starbucks this week introduced a new 450 dollar gift card made out of steel. It’s the most expensive, durable way to say “I barely care you exist.”
New research suggests that elderly people are more susceptible to scams because of changes in their brain chemistry that decrease fear and suspicion. Except around technology, young people, and every minority.
An online petition has been posted on the White House website calling for the construction of a real-life version of the Death Star from Star Wars. It’s only weakness? Anyone who’s seen Star Wars.
An online petition has been posted on the White House website calling for the construction of a real-life Death Star. Though it’s a little suspicious that the screen name of the person who posted it is “NotDickCheney.”
Octomom Nadya Suleman this week was nominated for four AVN Awards for her porn video, which was titled “Give Me An AVN Award Or I’ll Continue Making Porn Videos.”
Two of the iconic cone bras worn by Madonna during her 1990 Blonde Ambition tour have been sold at auction to an anonymous bidder for 77,000 dollars. We all get over losing in our own way, don’t we Mitt Romney.
An animal shelter in New Zealand said that it only took eight weeks for them to train three dogs to learn how to drive a car. Sure they drove it off a cliff, but nobody asked for specifics.
The latest version of the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic guide was published this week and now classifies binge eating and hoarding as official mental disorders. “You’re a little late!” said 9,000 dead cats.
Ford this week announced plans to revitalize sales for its Lincoln brand with a new ad campaign featuring Abraham Lincoln. We hope that it works, they said, it’s a real shot in the dark.
Some scientists are saying that endurance sports such as marathon running might actually be doing damage to people’s hearts. They can break easily when the runner finds out no one actually cares if they ran a marathon.
A New Jersey girl has started an online petition demanding that Hasbro make an Easy-Bake Oven for boys like her brother who wants to play with the toy. The new version would simply be called a “Bake” oven, since they wouldn’t have to make it “easy” for girls.
According to new research treating gum disease may also help fix erectile dysfunction problems. Specifically the gum disease of your old unattractive wife.
A new study suggests that women can tell if a man is being unfaithful just by looking at his face, however men cannot tell if a woman is cheating. Because men are never actually looking as high as a woman’s face.
It was reported this week that in October the Department of Homeland Security paid for first responders to take a five-day long training exercise on how to survive a zombie apocalypse. You’re right Congress, wherever do we start to make budget cuts.
Hundreds of people on Monday lined up in Boston after Trojan began handing out free vibrators. Be careful you guys, last time a group of people let a Trojan gift inside their gates, it didn’t turn out so well.
A hot new trend on YouTube is “Milking,” in which people record themselves pouring a gallon of milk over their heads. So it won’t be a TOTALLY bad thing if the Mayans were right.