we are lauren and chase. lauren contributes to weekend update on SNL, & chase writes for nikki & sara live!. this is our retirement home for not ready for prime time jokes.
FRESH OFF THE CUTTING ROOM FLOOR: ANOTHER MONDAY EDITION OF ALMOST READY FOR PRIMETIME WEEKEND UPDATE JOKES
A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. 18 year olds across the city exclaimed, “Oh my God! What’s a library?”
Chicago police are searching for a woman who was seen on camera riding a train with a 2-foot long alligator. They’re desperately seeking any information on how the alligator actually got its Ventra card to work.
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on Wednesday admitted to the City Council that he had bought illegal drugs, but refused to step down from office. Americans were shocked at the news that Canada has politicians that actually want to work.
A group of valets in Miami, who claimed that they had not been paid, dumped all the keys for their lot in a giant pile for the drivers to sort out on their own. Not before recouping the wages they’d lost though, by selling the cocaine they scraped off each key.
A Massachusetts woman, who was arrested for violating a restraining order filed by the Hanson Brothers, said she did not know the court order prevented her from seeing them in concert. Security spotted her right away when she was the only one in the crowd.
WELCOME BACK WU fans, and welcome our new co-host, Cecily Strong, who immediately knocked it out of the park, as was to be expected. Here are your not quite ready for prime time weekend update jokes. Enjoy! or don’t! it’s your America.
Fawzia Koofi, who has been called Afghanistan’s Hillary Clinton, took the first steps this week toward running for President of Afghanistan, after asking permission from her husband first.
A new report shows that Louisiana is the worst state in the country for women to live and work, but Florida is the worst state.
Cory Booker, the mayor of Newark, New Jersey received attention this week for a series of flirty emails with a woman in Oregon who works at a vegan strip club. At a vegan strip club when you throw money at the dancers, they just finally stop telling you all the reasons they became vegan.
Lindsay Lohan’s estranged half-sister revealed this week that she underwent 25,000 dollars worth of plastic surgery to look more like Lohan in her “good days,” which is the first time anyone’s ever gotten surgery to look 8.
A high ranking Iranian official is now saying that CNN fabricated portions of an interview in which new Iranian President Hassan Rouhani acknowledged the Holocaust happened. The Iranian official said, “Please, this was fabricated, it never happened. You know, just like the Holocaust.”
No new SNL this week? We know, total bummer. Instead of crying about it like a little baby, why not check out these not quite ready for prime time jokes instead? There, that’s better.
The United States Postal Service this week said that it would delay its plans to stop Saturday mail delivery. This moves comes as no surprise because if there’s one thing the United States Postal Office is an expert at, it’s delaying things.
New York City is developing a new app that will allow drivers to learn where there are open parking spaces. Unfortunately, most of those parking spaces will be in New Jersey.
Anthony Weiner, the former New York Congressman who left office after posting a lewd picture of himself on Twitter, is reportedly considering a run for mayor of New York City. A poll shows New Yorkers would consider forgiving him, only if the campaign car he uses is the official Oscar Meyer Weiner Mobile.
Thursday marked the one year anniversary of Kim Jong Un being appointed leader of North Korea. To celebrate, he lit one honorary candle, and then aimed it at South Korea.
Target has been forced to rename one of its sandals after it was discovered that its name “Orina,” means “urine” in Spanish. The head of the company said they were sorry to lose the name, but it really, really had to go.
Octomom caused controversy this week by admitting that she uses marijuana in front of her 14 children. But to be fair, that’s still only her 15th worst parenting decision.
We’re so behind on posts! It’s because we’ve been laughing too hard at all the jokes that actually made it onto Weekend Update. Here are some that almost made it, but decided to live with us here instead. Aww, we’re so lucky.
NBA commissioner David Stern said this week that he expects to start HGH testing on basketball players as soon as next season. Although bad news for some, this could be the first test that many basketball players have ever passed in their lives.
Home Depot is making its yearly hiring push, aiming to fill more than 80,000 jobs for its busiest season. The good news for Home Depot is that to find that many workers, they’ll only have to go as far as 1 of their parking lots.
The Super Bowl on Sunday was interrupted after half of the New Orleans Superdome lost power for more than 30 minutes, the unfortunate half that lost power being the San Francisco 49ers.
A new app has been launched that will allow people in New York City to discover which celebrities live within a one-mile radius of them. This app will also allow socialites who had considered themselves celebrities to discover that no one actually knows or cares who they are.
Fox has announced plans for a new version of the Swan, their plastic surgery makeover reality series, which will this time feature celebrities. They’ll go under the knife to see if doctors can recreate what the celebrities used to look like before they had so much plastic surgery.
Researchers have discovered that married couples who spend just seven minutes every few months writing short essays about a recent fight with their spouse were less unhappy a year later than couples that did not do the exercise. Because every month they got at least 7 minutes ALONE.
chase now writes for the wonderful & talented girls at nikki & sara live! so his not ready for prime time jokes will be those that were intended for that show on mtv.
jokes like these!
E! has announced a new reality show called What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I can tell you what he won’t be doing: reading.
Victoria Beckham announced this week that she would not be part of a Spice Girls reunion tour. The group will continue on with her replacement, a makeup-stained tree branch.
Four Academy Award nominations went to the film Beasts of the Southern Wild. Or as it was known under its original title, The Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Honey Boo Boo’s “Uncle Poodle” has revealed that he’s HIV positive. Ironically, he’s still the healthiest person in the family.
Prince Harry now says he regrets the nude photos of himself that were taken in Las Vegas last August. In a related story, Prince Charles now says he regrets Prince Harry.
Lindsay Lohan just turned down a multimillion-dollar offer to appear on Dancing With the Stars. In all fairness, she’s never been popular with judges.
Joey Fatone says he wants to get NSYNC back together. In a related story, Justin Timberlake says he wants Joey Fatone to stop calling his house at 3 a.m. and whispering “I need this.”
David Arquette was photographed at a club giving Adam Lambert a lap dance. It’s nice to see he’s moved on from Courtney Cox to just plain cocks.
In a recent interview, rapper Vanilla Ice had three career tips for Justin Bieber. We only have one: Don’t listen to career tips from Vanilla Ice.
Lindsay Lohan says she and Max George from The Wanted are “friends with benefits.” The main benefit? Clean urine.
Adult film star Ron Jeremy is in the hospital following a heart aneurysm. Doctors say it will be a long, hard, throbbing road to recovery.
Harry Styles spent his 19th birthday getting a lap dance from a stripper. Meanwhile, One Direction fans spent Harry Styles’s birthday murdering a stripper.
Steven Tyler appeared on last week’s American Idol in drag. He was there to perform his new song, “Dude Looks Nothing Remotely Like a Lady.”
Katie Holmes is still single but says she, quote, “eventually wants to find a man.” “So do I,” sighed Tom Cruise.
Kim Kardashian has announced her sixth new fragrance. Unfortunately, Khloe Kardashian still smells exactly the same.
it’s time for another edition of WEAKEND UPDATE! jokes that were obviously too funny too funny for SNL to air. enjoy, but not too much, dying of laughter can kill you.
Vice President Joe Biden on Thursday hosted a “fireside hangout” about gun violence on Google Plus. Which ironically most people will only log onto at gunpoint.
Two New Jersey men this week filed a lawsuit against Subway for selling Footlong sandwiches that were less than 12 inches long. Subway is expected to call as character witnesses, every woman they’ve ever slept with.
Insiders are saying that Lindsay Lohan has turned down an offer of more than 500,000 dollars to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars citing the fact that she doesn’t really know how to be a star.
A new report shows that Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend Lennay Kekua also sent Twitter messages to celebrities such as Kim Kardashian’s brother Rob, who most likely wasn’t fooled because he deals with fake women every day of his life.
A restaurant in Philadelphia has created a new taco that replaces the shell with slices of bacon. Congratulations to Mexican food, adding its only 6th ingredient in history.
A number of new pubs opening around the country are donating their profits to charity. Which is perfect, because who can get mad at their husband when he’s getting drunk for cancer.
An attempted robbery of a Papa John’s in Montana was foiled when the robber started crying and a clerk gave the man a free pizza. The robber is said to have learned the unexpected tactic from his 2 year old daughter.
A tunnel in Norway was closed this week after a truckload of cheese caught on fire. The fire marshall said although it was tragic, there was nothing they could fondue.
A new report shows that the most common name for a dog in New York City is Max, and the most common name for a cat is My Only Friend.
A woman in South Africa was seriously injured after a wildlife expert taking pictures of her with a rhino told the woman to stand a little bit closer to the animal. So, not really an expert then.
A new study from Germany shows that the items most likely to be accidentally swallowed by people are fish bones, chicken bones and dentures. While an American study showed it’s stories about a football player’s girlfriend dying of leukemia.
A major British supermarket chain pulled all their hamburgers from shelves this week after a DNA test discovered that it contained horse meat. Everyone who ate one of the burgers is said to be in stable condition.
Wrangler has created a new line of jeans that are infused with aloe vera and olive extract to make legs smoother. Wrangler: smooth on the inside, not so much on the outside.
North Carolina police arrested a man who stabbed a deaf man because the assailant thought the deaf man’s hand gestures were gang signs. Officers said the crime of stabbing a deaf man was truly unheard of.
President Obama said this week that congressional Republicans have repeatedly rejected invitations from him to socialize, saying “Come on you guys. I’m not THAT black.”
A new app has been launched called ChoreMonster, which turns children’s tasks around the house into a game in which they are rewarded points. Finally, a way to make sweatshops fun!
Shoppers at an IKEA in Canada were surprised when a small monkey was found wandering the store wearing a fitted faux shearling coat and diapers. No one could believe it, because who would think anything put together that well would be found at an IKEA.
President Obama and Speaker of the House John Boehner met Sunday at the White House to discus ways to avoid the fiscal cliff. They’re expected not to go over the cliff, as long as they don’t use Apple Maps.
Florida Governor Rick Scott is proposing a new higher education plan in the state that would give students a break on tuition if they major in certain majors such as engineering, health care and technology. Good plan, because there’s just too many philosophers coming out of Florida.
Lawyers for the Florida man arrested for having sex with a donkey are now trying to have the state law banning sex with animals declared unconstitutional. Because you can’t blame a guy for being an ass man.
An Ohio woman who gave birth to her daughter at 12:12PM on 12-12-12 has named her “Forever.” which is exactly how long her daughter will hate her.
Officials at the University of West Virginia are upset with the student who plays the school’s mascot after he used the character’s musket to shoot a black bear during a hunt. Come on west Virginia, Why’s it always have to be a black bear.
An Oklahoma man who was arrested for leaving his two young children locked in his car while he was drinking at a bar denied the charges saying that someone else must have put them there while he was drinking because he would never remember to lock his doors.
West Virginia Senator Joe Manchin is calling for MTV to cancel their upcoming show “Buckwild,” which is a Jersey Shore-style show set in West Virginia, saying that he thinks it gives the state a bad name. No word if he is also calling for the cancelation of incest and moonshine.
A New York State man, who was arrested for shoplifting, said he did it on purpose so he could get free health care in prison. Why didn’t you just tell us that’s what you needed, Lindsay Lohan?
An ice sculptor in Florida has created a 5-foot-tall ice menorah for Hanukkah. The sculpture has lasted eight days longer than anyone’s interest in Hanukkah.
A supermarket worker in New Mexico was surprised when he opened a case of frozen ribs and discovered a handgun and ammunition packed inside. Even more surprising was the note that said “Avenge me.”
Customers were shocked Sunday when an escaped pet monkey was captured and removed from a Toronto IKEA. “Take me with you,” said everyone else in IKEA.
A waiter at a California restaurant was fired after he labeled three women he was serving on the bill as “fat girls.” To be fair, California’s definition of “fat girl” is “anyone in a restaurant.”
Florida Governor Rick Scott is proposing a new higher education plan in the state that would give students tuition discounts for choosing majors such as engineering, healthcare and technology. Scott hopes this will lure students away from Florida’s current most popular major, being arrested without a shirt on.
A U.K. man collapsed and died this week while attempting the “Gangnam Style” dance at an office Christmas party. The other guests described the tragedy as “worth it.”
New research suggests that children between the ages of 9 and 15 who binge eat are twice as likely to use marijuana. The study was conducted by the “I Think We’re Getting This Backwards” Institute.
Speaker of the House John Boehner on Wednesday told House Republicans that, due to the lack of progress in the fiscal cliff talks, they should not make plans to go home for the holidays. So it looks like Boehner won’t be returning to his house on the surface of the sun.
New York University is now offering a class on the work of Bob Marley. It’s the first college course that gives students extra credit for forgetting to attend.
A new study shows that nearly 40 percent of the fish sold in New York City is mislabeled. As “fish.”
A New York City man, dubbed the Human Ken Doll, has had over 90 operations to create what he considers to be the perfect body. Though he’s not *really* a Ken doll until he has his final surgery.